Test Results today

I'm anxious to get my test results today.  Will follow up on the blog when I get back. Still battling "fatigue"...........this is just not "my bag".

I'm back, it was a long day.  I'm just going to review the facts I know and "hit the sack".

GOOD NEWS:
- Tumor has shrunk from 3.5cm to 1.0 cm!!! Yeah!
- My heart is in great shape, they say it is because I am walking every day. (running and biking for years before probably didn't hurt either) Walking helps protect it from the affects of the chemo.
- Surgery will be in mid October

INTERESTING NEWS:
-They'll be testing me for BRCA next week to see if I have a genetic pre-disposition gene. 
-If I do it will be important for my girls to get tested too!
-They will start my Herceptin (IV med for HER2) just before my surgery.  I will receive it once every 3 weeks for a year.

NOT SO GOOD NEWS:
-Dr Chui re-affirmed I'm going to get hit hard next week with the new chemo. I will be injecting a medication 24 hours after each chemo, called Neulasta, to stimulate my bone marrow to make new cells faster.  It apparently has lots of side effects itself, at the top of the list; severe bone pain. Dr Chui says they call it a "good" pain though, because with the pain they know it is working. 
-Nausea will tend to abound...........

BAD NEWS:
-I've been hearing all throughout my chemo, that my neuropathy on my hands and feet will probably go away (mostly from the nurses).  I assumed it would start happening pretty quickly after getting off the Taxol, which has caused it.  Dr Chui clarified today that it takes about 2 years for it to go away IF it goes away!!  If it has not gone away after 2 years it will not.  I'm obviously very disappointed with this.
-If I am BRCA positive, they will take out my ovaries when they do my mastectomies.  (this is a good thing to know and have done!! Just not good to think about adding to my plate)

So............I'm grateful for the progress!!!!  Grateful for a healthy heart!!!  And yes..........we will just take one day at a time.

Follow up testing

Rachel took me in for my tests today as planned.  Had the mammogram, ultrasound, echocardiogram and MRI. Was a long day (especially when MRI got behind) but grateful we could do it.  Official results come Thursday.  Unofficially the Physicist at MRI said my tumor looks "Much smaller".  The Dr at Ultrasound said he would guestimate 25-40% smaller.  No clue on my echocardiogram.  I always get paranoid because of the SOB I get now, but hey, that can just be "chemo".



Me at the end of the day.  Looking pretty TIRED!

That's all for today. Maybe I'll add more tomorrow??? Just going to bed now.  (:

Chemo #12 Last Taxol Infusion!!

Today Rachel took me for my last infusion of Taxol.  I was really excited. Everything went really smoothly.  This marks the end of phase 1 of the Chemotherapy part of treatment. This phase was 12 weeks. Phase 11 will start Aug 5th and last 8 weeks, so I'm "halfway through chemo technically"  but timewise I am a little more than halfway.  10 weeks to September 16th which is my very very last chemotherapy.  Yeah!!!!




Me, John and Rachel at the infusion center CHH, OHSU



I have to say I had a really symbolic moment when I was sitting in my infusion chair with MY LAST dose beginning, and the patient in the chair next to me came in and they started HER FIRST dose of Taxol. I looked over at her with a compassion that only experience can detail.  I had a lot of advise for her, and it felt good to be able to help in ways I knew only I could.  She was all ears..............how well I remember.  I wish her well.

The nurses (and they are different nurses every week) were clear about the fact that they believe my second round is going to be a lot harder. I kept thinking I wish they'd quit telling me that.  On the other hand.............I really appreciate the honesty.  We will just have to see how it goes.  Right now I'm focused on 2 weeks off of Chemo with time to recover physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I'm excited to get the results on Thursday from the tests I'm going to have on Monday.

Deirdre was really clear today on how positive it is to show shrinkage, because then we KNOW the chemo is working, not just on the tumor, but on the cancer cells that are roaming around my body just wanting to metastasize............but we won't let them!!  When surgery is performed first, they don't have that advantage, and they just have to wait and see. So, for me, the neoadjuvant therapy (having chemo first) was mandated because of the aggressiveness of my cancer, which of course is not good, but it is wonderful to KNOW that is it working.

 As I've been told in this medical analogy "if you have a mild pneumonia but you throw the wrong antibiotic at it.......you can end with disastrous results, if you have a fulminating near death pneumonia and then you throw the right antibiotic at it you can have a complete cure with return to normal health".  This I'm told is the same with my cancer, though it is aggressive with the HER2 positive oncogene, and of course the Estrogen positive receptor, with the right treatment (which they believe I'm receiving) I can have a complete cure.  So, though the road is long and sometimes tough, I can not complain.  I am grateful.

Rachel and I went to Gustav's to celebrate afterwards.  Here are a couple pictures:



Not bad looking eh?

Well, my thoughts now turn to the Gospel of Jesus Christ for it is true! It is a song of joy, a blessing of hope and joy, despite pitfalls we know that all will be well.  Joy and laughter come with the Holy Spirit. I think of the Lillie's of the field, and take not thought for material things.........the Lord knows my needs.  Keeping my eyes on the spiritual  will help me to be  blessed with what I need now in this life, and with what I  most dearly prize.........eternal life with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and my family.

 The greatest wisdom truly comes with experience, and a lot of that experience comes from bad as well as good decisions, and hard as well as joyous times.  I'm staying focused on the one and only thing I have learned I can ALWAYS depend on and that is Jesus Christ. I may not be able to see and understand clearly what and why things are happening, and where they are heading, but I can feel His presence near me always.  I'll close with one of my favorite scriptures........think about it:

John 3:8
"The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof,  but canst not tell whence it cometh or whither it goeth: so is everyone that is born of the spirit."





Finger Follies

I've been "dealing" with neuropathy of my feet that past few months.  It causes numbness,tingling, and feelings like there are bugs crawling all over my feet.  Nice eh?  Well, it is no fun, but has been tolerable.  The past two week I've started having numbness on the tips of my fingers.  The past two days my fingernails area has really been hurting, especially if I touch them, but nothing to visually observe.  Last night I looked down and saw this:

It may not look like much, but it is on all of my fingers (except thumbs) and where those marks are it hurts like the dickens.  So I e-mailed Deirdre (my RN) this picture and my symptoms (isn't modern equipment wonderful?) and she said yup it is a side effect of chemo and wanted to know if my fingernails were loose.  Thank heaven, they are not.  She said I probably won't lose my fingernails then.  Wow!  I'm having fun!!
I'm off to see Roger Barnick, my chiropractor, will add to this later.............

Well Roger of course is totally "cool".  He has such a positive attitude, and of course, does a wonderful job adjusting me.  He even adjusted my fingers to help with this latest yuk!

I came home and read a bunch of "stuff" on cancer.  I need to do that periodically to re-orient and educate myself......."knowledge is power".

Then a read a quote a dear friend sent me that Joseph Smith once said:
""Every wave of adversity has only wafted me that much closer to divinity".  Wow..........waft away!!

Goodnight..........tomorrow is chemo #12   yeah!!!!!!!!!

Self-imposed stress

I woke up today after a full 8 hours sleep (not always so easy these days). I got up and realized I was still tired, and it did not get better.  Side effects of chemo often feel like what I used to call  "the achy brachy's" when I was sick.  Your whole body just aches and you feel like you have the flu.  Today was one of those days.  I guess the body just has to stop  now and then and say "enough toxins and poisons, I need rest.........or else".   So I eventually crawled back to bed for a 4 hour nap! Not my idea of excitement, but it is the process of healing and survival.

Finally at 4PM I got up and decided I was going for my daily "life walk". Called so because it is a huge part of my daily physical and spiritual journey towards healing. So I dragged myself down to Klineline and headed out. I was still feeling lousy and yet suddenly I had an "ah ha!" moment.  I realized I was "in a hurry" to accomplish my walk within a certain specified time.  I thought "you got to be kidding, I am so used to hurrying around that I think I need to hurry right now!".  CRAZY.  Definitely one of those big things I am supposed to learn, and today really opened the door for me.  It is one thing to have a full schedule and push your way through a day or a week to accomplish it.  It is another to to be living in a surrealistic self-imposed and totally unnecessary state of mind which doesn't really allow you to EVER "stop and smell the roses".  I think I have been wound up so tight for so long, and although I have preached "stop and smell the roses" to my kids, I think my version of it has been bending over for a quick whiff while never stopping and continuing on running straight ahead.

What an eye opener for me.  So.........I slowed down, stopped and took a bunch of pictures, absorbed every bit of the physical,spiritual, and mental aspect of my situation I could.  Guess what............I thoroughly enjoyed myself!!!!  Guess what else.......ultimately when I got back to my car it was exactly the same amount of time I would have "scheduled" for myself..........not that it mattered, it was just interesting, and very healing for me. So...........even though I'm sure you've seen it all before, here are a few of the pictures I took today, just mostly for me, to remember my great awakening!!

"Each day I will have some quiet time so that I may listen intently to the Lord." 
There is no hurry to get done, just our journey to become.  (:

Addendum to today's Blog/ Cancer update

Well today's blog is so long I decided to add an "addendum" to make it "feel" less long.  I thought I'd add the latest update to where my treatment is at and where it is headed. 

I just finished 12 weeks of my oral chemo-therapy agent "Neratanib".  It was my "I Spy2 "Trial  or study drug. Not a very fun drug for the stomach, so I am thrilled to be off it!!! (but grateful to have been able to be on it too).  Then I have one more IV infusion of the Chemo-therapy Taxol this coming Friday and I will be done with my 12 weeks of Taxol!!! Yeah!!!

Then I have 2 weeks "Off" where I'll have repeat mammogram, ultrasound, MRI and echo cardiogram testing done. Also I will get to follow up with Dr. Chui (Oncologist) and Dr. Naik (surgeon) after the testing to get results and consult further for surgery.

August 5th I start my second series of chemotherapy.  It is a Combo therapy where I receive two drugs. Adriamycin and Cytoxan. Apparently, according to the nurses, it may be "worse". This because I am already down, and the effects are cumulative. Also these drugs tend to  really drop your blood counts way down and "perhaps cause a little more nausea". So..........I thought I knew what tired was eh?  We'll see, The Lord is still in charge here, so I will do what I have to do, and trust in Him to help me get through it. This series will take 8 weeks to get through. 

Then I get a break before my surgery.  I will give actual facts on that when I get them.  My understanding is it is about a 6 weeks break to build up your strength before surgery. After surgery I start a one year cycle of an IV drug called "Herceptin" which is to fight against the Her2 + receptor of my cancer , or in other words the aggressiveness of my cancer.  So we still have a ways to go.

Re-establishing myself into my Blog!

I can not believe it has been almost a month since I've blogged! I guess that is an indication of how well I'm doing.........ha! The bummer is I won't be able to remember things as well, but I will try to re-up to blogging more frequently.

The reality is I have just gotten more and MORE ...and MORE TIRED!!!  So just trying to get through the day is a full time job.  Someone asked me recently "what do you do with all your time"?  I supposed it is the kind of question I would have asked before I knew what it is like to just be trying to survive. Funny thing about time.  I'm spending it one day at a time.  My big goal for each day is to read my scriptures, try and find something healthy to eat and go for my walk (which the doctor says is mandatory to keeping my heart in shape because chemo is so bad on it). Add to that a shower and I'm really done!  My how perspective changes with illness!  When I was feeling good (in my pre-cancer days) I had a never ending list a mile long of things to do. 

Each day, though, when I wake up I usually have about an hour or so where I feel almost normal, I have some energy.  That is the time I try to get things in order.  I have one window of opportunity a day and I make good on it.  When I'm done...........as I tell Dale..........I'M DONE...........you can stick a fork in me.

The same goes for my brain.  There is a real syndrome called "chemo brain". It is particularly pronounced for me on the day I receive my chemo therapy and the next 2 days. (just ask my kids) I just feel not so smart, and thinking is a greater effort, and remembering stuff is even harder.   So, I spend a lot of time trying to "think" and improve myself, but it is a real effort at times. Albeit...........I have a lot of great thoughts through this whole thing, and though this experience is not so great physically, I still have to say spiritually it is fantastic!!!  I have learned so much, and I know there is so much more to learn.  I will share some of my thoughts later.

 First here is a picture of a family that is dear to me.  This is Nathan and Trish Tanner and their children.  I wish the picture was better, it was taken on my cell phone,  but you can still see how cute they are.  This family has adopted me so to speak and just wrapped their arms around me, filling me with complete and total unconditional love.  I'm not sure why, but I feel like we knew each other in the pre-existence and they are supporting me in a way no one else could.  I really feel their love and appreciate their goodness.

I can't figure out why they are upright in my picture and flipped here.  Sorry about that, but they are still cute aren't they???

That is one special family!!!

Just to drop something extra in, Dale had knee surgery 2 weeks ago.  He had a torn ACL and Medial Meniscal tears also!!  So for variety here are a few pictures of Dale:



Jan helping Dale get in the car right after surgery (he's a little groggy)

Yup, looking a bit peak-ed

Coming for his first follow up visit

Freedom from the splint!

looking pretty good all things considering

So you can see life doesn't stop.  I have to admit it has been a real challenge for me with Dale having surgery.  I can barely handle myself and well quite frankly we've been the needy helping the needy.  We just have to laugh if we don't want to cry!!

Here are a few things I am working on:
First the scriptures are full of examples where "Jesus ofttimes restored thither with his disciples"(John 18:2) referring to his habit of spending time restoring His soul in the garden of Gethsemane. If it was important for Jesus, I guess it is important for us!!  We need to take the time to restore our souls each day. Imagine His to-do list and yet He still took time daily to nourish His soul. 

Keep it simple.  I keep hearing that, and yet the application of it gets lost sometimes. Somewhere our priorities are off when we can't get the basics done. So, if we're not making the time each day to do this, what can we do different???? First I guess we really have to WANT to. Then we each have to figure out how that is going to look for us. We know Satan uses "busyness" as a way to keep us from doing the most important things at times. Sorting through out individual busyness is tough, it all seems so "necessary". Yet I always remember hearing when I was a young mother "the children aren't going to remember the clean house as much as they will remember the time you spent with them". Yet at the time, the cooking,cleaning, etc seemed so necessary, though now I can say honestly..........just let it go when opportunity knocks.......go for the kids.

I guess it is all about who we are becoming, our growth, and the atonement.  We have to choose to become Heavenly.  How are we becoming?  Through our daily experiences, good and "bad". It is how we choose to handle our experiences that really matters.  I can choose to be cheerful, or I can choose to be grumpy.  I can choose to accept, or I can choose to whine and complain. I can choose to learn and grow or I can spin in circles wondering "why me?" "why now?"  Endurance internalizes our changes. (are we not all enduring?)  Christ is not concerned with the offering, but the offerer. He does not make up the difference, He makes ALL the difference. "after all WE can do" means  "we.... me and Jesus".